The most deeply profound, yet entirely non-profound, marginally hilarious, heartfelt apocalyptic family saga of at least one person's lifetime... maybe even yours.
The Cardone family. A father with a mission. A son who wants out. A daughter in love with the wrong man. And a briefcase that changes everything.
Something Ancient is a genre-blending wild ride that refuses to sit still. Part spy thriller, part alien-invasion action, part family sitcom - it combines the kind of tonal lurches that shouldn't work but absolutely do. Characters barrel through doors, revelations arrive sideways, and every family argument is also somehow about saving the world.
Where Anxious Attachment breaks your heart with quiet precision, Something Ancient won't let you sit still. Together they give the audience the full spectrum of what family does to us - one from the inside out, one from completely unhinged angles you never saw coming.
Both born at Zombie Joe's 50 Hour Drive-By Theatre Festival in January 2026, with props assigned by lottery. Michael Silva steps into the director's chair for the Fringe production, bringing the play fully under his vision.
Meet the Family
The Cardones
Everyone in the audience recognizes some version of their own family in the Cardone chaos. Just with more briefcases and laser pointers.
Richard & Kyle - Father & Son
They hate each other and love each other, and both feelings are fully real at the same time. The son tries to escape but can't get very far. Their relationship is combative, loaded, unresolved - but the love underneath is undeniable, even when it expresses itself in the craziest ways.
Richard & Carly - Father & Daughter
Richard is trying to protect Carly under any means necessary - not just from the man she's dating (Billy West), but from the organization Billy works for that is actively trying to destroy her. His protectiveness is fierce, overbearing, and deeply loving.
Kyle & Carly - Brother & Sister
Their relationship is laced with humor and cruelty - making fun of each other, competing, needling - in the way that only siblings can. It's brutal and affectionate at the same time, and completely recognizable to anyone who has a sibling.
Billy West - Complication
Carly's boyfriend. Not what he appears. The organization he works for changes everything. Whether Richard's paranoia is justified or not is something the audience has to figure out for themselves - which is part of what makes the play work.
Fringe Cast
Carly Cardone
Allie McCarthy
Confirmed
Billy West
Matt Keim
Confirmed
Richard Cardone
Nick Salas
Confirmed
Kyle Cardone
Andres Simonian
Confirmed
Emergency Radio Broadcast
Kyle Donovan
TBD (Guest Voice)
Something Ancient contains nudity, adult themes, action sequences, and comedic depictions of substances and family conflict. Recommended for audiences 16 and older.
Part One of Two
Anxious Attachment
Tyler may just be having the best day of his life. His brother Patrick would like a word.